Happy New Year!

“Guys? Hello? Anyone?”

Okay, so I’ve been MIA a while… I promised myself this wouldn’t happen and here we are. What can I say? “Sorry.” I’ll say it to myself. To anyone reading this, I’ll say the following:

Life is duality. Good and bad; Cain and Abel; Astros and type 2 diabetes. Let’s put a pin in that for now.

I was in a weird space when I started this blog. I was trying to freelance full-time and saw this blog as a great way to showcase my abilities. But I lost the fun along the way. As I do with most things. I had been frustrating myself (again) and only very recently starting realising why:

Somewhere along the way in my life I started tying my work to outcomes. At some point I stopped looking at my art as something I enjoyed creating, and started looking at it as the solutions to all my “problems.” I painfully recall spending a year working on a script that was only ever seen by three people, fully believing that it was going to be my ticket to something bigger and better in my life. I’m not regretful, though; just frustrated.

And that’s where the duality comes in. Every day I wake up and I am faced with opposing choices like this: Do I create what I love or what I think will sell? Do I keep my post-freelancing job or become a full-time backpacker? Do I do some goddamn push-ups tonight or just play a game of LoL because “I’m too tired from work?”

I think I made the wrong choice with this blog. I fed the wrong wolf.

I mean, I think the posts I’ve written thus far are okay. Some maybe even good. And I did get enjoyment from writing them. But I wasn’t exciting myself. I wasn’t exploring the reasons I love to write.

I wrote a status today about realness that got a couple nods. But more importantly, it got me thinking: Am I being real with myself? If every time my inspiration stems from the question, “What are people talking about right now,” or, “What would so-and-so find interesting to read,” then am I really creating what drives me? What I’m passionate about? It’s been so long I don’t even know if I am passionate about anything else other than writing, which I don’t do all that often any way.

I should change that.

Advertisements